Baby Blues and the Stress of the First Few Weeks

Hope is doing fabulous. She is growing right on track and hitting her milestones. She is yet to laugh when she is conscious lol... Meaning yes...She laughs in her sleep! lol. It amazes me that she is having a dream that vivid. I wonder what on earth she could be dreaming that would make her laugh!! Love it... She is definitely smiling at us now for sure. When JP came home from work he picked her up and she gave him the biggest smile ever! Everything she does just amazes me.

It is so true, in my case at least, that having a child has changed my life forever. Every thought I have, plan I make, my future dreams and all my interests revolve around her. Its just amazing the 180 life makes once you birth your own flesh and blood. Its just something you cant understand until you have your kids... Nobody can prepare you.

I do want to call attention to something that was really hard for me to talk about after I had her... There is something that commonly happens after you have a baby called "baby blues." I guess about 85% of women experience this and its most likely due to the sudden drop in hormones after giving birth. I'm not talking about postpartum depression as that is a much more severe case which often requires medication. For me the baby blues lasted for about a week and a half. After I had her (im talking about birth) I didn't cry or feel an overwhelming sense of joy. I was more in shock and disbelief. Not to mention after a 24 hour labor with 16 hours of painful active labor and then pushing for almost an hour I was exhausted to say the least. Once the adrenaline and oxytocin rush of hormones hit, she was already taken away from me and getting a bath and diaper etc. These are important hormones for the immediate bonding experience. Then there were so many visitors, of course all loved ones. So everyone was holding her and I was literally stuck in the hospital bed. Giving birth for me was like completing a triathlon that I never even trained for. I was beat up bad.

Once all the visitors left that night and it was just JP, Hope and I; I finally was able to really take a look at her. I remember thinking she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life. But there was still a hint of disbelief lingering that maybe this was all a dream. A lot of the disbelief I experienced in pregnancy. "Is there really a baby in there?"

She was born at 9:43AM and by about 10:00PM which normally JP and I would be getting ready for bed which we really needed after the long day and night of labor; Hope started screaming her little head off. JP and I had not been around a newborn for over a decade and had no clue what to do. There was no nursery at the hospital so the nurses couldn't give us a break to get some rest. Breastfeeding was so new for me and not going great either. I remember thinking "oh my gosh what did we do... Are we ready for this?" Then the guilt set in. "Oh no, I'm a bad mom already..." Then all these fears started creeping in. The fear of SIDS...ugh. So I literally couldn't close my eyes because I was so afraid and checking her breathing constantly. By about 4AM I asked the nurse what to do about our sleep situation. She wouldn't sleep in her little rolly bed thingy and she hates being swaddled. I told her all she wants to do is sleep with me on my chest. Is this safe? And thankfully God sent me a nurse that said "yes, it is just fine if you do it safely and to trust your motherly instincts." So I caught about 2 hours of sleep and felt like a new woman with just that little bit of rest.

I still cant say I was completely comfortable with her sleeping with me in the hospital bed, so I just couldn't wait to get home and get some sleep. Well surprise surprise, Hope doesn't like to sleep in her co-sleeper bassinet either... Well what do we do, crap! JP and I decided that we would just have to take shifts at night. I would get some sleep at 7:30PM-12:00AM (waking up to breastfeed of course though) and he would sleep the rest of the night til 4AM or 5AM. This just didn't work and it was so awful and we did this for about three days at home. I was so upset and just didn't know what to do anymore... The lack of sleep wasn't making the baby blues any easier to get past.

I would say by about the 4th day home I said screw it, she is coming to bed with me. JP was in bed sleeping for his shift and I crawled into bed with her in my arm and we slept great and I never looked back. I felt a little guilty because I wasn't sure it was safe but then I did a ton of research. On Dr. Sears site he goes far into depth on co sleeping and its benefits. The major benefit being that it actually REDUCES SIDS... No kidding. Mom acts as a pace maker for baby and will subconsciously bring baby out of a too deep of sleep. Once I caught up on sleep and felt more comfortable with co sleeping and breastfeeding I could feel the baby blues becoming more and more non existent every day. The first week the thought of JP going back to work killed me... I couldn't take the thought of him leaving me alone with the baby. But by the second week i got the hang of being a mom and I was about ready to open the door myself for him to go back to work, haha! Bless his heart he was so helpful but I was ready to have the house to myself again lol.

I'm sharing this because I believe moms shouldn't have to be silent about their feelings. This is a normal occurrence in a new parents experience and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Its not always going to be rainbows and butterfly's for every mom. Not every mom is going to cry and feel overwhelming happiness after birthing their baby. Sometimes it takes a little bit of getting to know your baby and that is just fine. I think if more moms accepted this as a reality and as a normal process that there wouldn't be as many Casey Anthony's out there. Maybe moms like her felt like they failed from the first day and never got past it? Maybe they were suffering postpartum depression even and never recognized they needed immediate help. This doesn't excuse what they did at all, but it could be the beginning of where the problem started.

Being a mom is a job and just like there is grace when you are training for a new job out in the world, there is just that for your new job at motherhood. And then once you get the hang of it there is no looking back. Every day is better and easier than the last. Every day the love for your child grows more and more even when you don't think it is possible to love them any more than you do!! <3 So moral of my blog is, to talk about your feelings in every situation you are in! You are never alone in anything you are feeling.

One Month Update

Little miss Hope is 1 month and 4 days old today :) And this month has been the best month of mine and JP's lives...

Hope is about 8lbs something ounces, i will find out exactly today when we see my lactation consultant. I am exclusively breastfeeding Hope. Never has she tasted a drop of formula. I see a lactation consultant because when we started breastfeeding I was in a lot of physical pain from it and was given whats called a nipple shield. It basically protects them and allows them to heal. Well im completely healed and have been for a while, but now the problem is I cant get this little girl to eat without it! She is addicted and I am so sick of using it now lol... So we are working on weaning her from it but if she doesn't for a while that is fine. Whats important is that she is gaining weight and is eating which she definitely is... I have actually become obsessed with breastfeeding... I love it so much. I love the closeness, hearing her cute little noises, seeing how excited she gets when she is about to eat. I love all the benefits including: preventing many types of childhood illness, allergies, asthma, child obesity, it gives better brain development, they have higher IQ's, it decreases SIDS risk and many more benefits. It goes on and on. It is my GOAL to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months and then we will introduce organic solids. However I still want to breastfeed until she is about two and a half to three years old if she doesn't wean herself... Crossing my fingers. If she does wean herself for whatever reason I have been working on a huge freezer supply of breast milk and it is going awesome! I know formula is not the enemy but it is just not something I want to give her God willing. If we did have to go to formula for whatever reason I would get over it of course. Sometimes things don't work out with breastfeeding and that is what formula is there for. Every day I am able to breastfeed her I am so thankful because I have many friends who weren't able to do it very long for numerous reasons. In those cases formula is anything but the enemy but their childrens life saver!

She is very strong and has been lifting her head up on her own since she was about 5 days old and now she can hold it up for a very long time before she gets tired. She is smiling and is cooing "talking to us". She has the biggest brightest eyes and just loves to look around at the paintings on the wall and gaze into our eyes. She is just so amazing. She has hit every milestone for the two month old age and is even completing some three month milestones! I think its because of the super food, breast milk ;)

I never thought I would be such a "crunchy" mama. Crunchy meaning kind of granola...lol. Breastfeeding, Co Sleeping, Baby Wearing and when we get our house (which is close to happening) i will start cloth diapering her. So in summary Hope is doing absolutely awesome. She is growing and changing every day and we are so enjoying this ride!