Starting Over after miscarriage...

This year has been an insanely weird year...

I wont go into the drama that doesnt involve me directly but does affect me but here are things I am willing to share...

JP and I moved to San Luis Obispo in May of this year. We are getting settled in and are really loving the area... It was a definite rocky start however...

In late May I took a pregnancy test for the heck of it because one was lying around and to my surprise it came up with one scary word... Pregnant.

I had the strangest reaction. I had taken quite a few of these things but it has never said this before. I was kind of shocked and not in a good way, but I quickly got over it once I started telling people and getting it off my chest. I took two more and they were negative... I was super confused.

So I went to the doctor and it was confirmed that I after all WAS pregnant and due in January... It started to sink in and I was starting to think about names and get excited. We bought baby books and reading together what was going on each week in the pregnancy. We decided if it was a boy with would be Anthony Elijah and if it were a girl Madyson Paige..

Everything seemed to be going great until 4th of July. I was at my dads house minding my own business, went for one of my normal million pee breaks and there it was.. a streak of blood... This is not a comfortable sight when you are expecting at all. I tried to stay positive although I couldn't stop crying, deep down I knew... Our doctors appt. was in a few days and of all weekends Monday was a holiday, ugh! My OB tried to keep me calm and explain to me bleeding can be very normal blah blah but she couldn't find a heart beat and I was supposed to be 11 weeks. I was sent for an emergency ultra sound and our worst fear was confirmed... The baby only "developed" i hate these terms, to 6 weeks. I had a missed miscarriage because I carried until 11 weeks... Over a month I had a failed pregnancy and had no idea.

So I went from being freaked out about my pregnancy to being ecstatic all the way to devastated in a few short months. I drew comfort from other women who had gone through it and had no words of wisdom to pass down. There is nothing anybody can do or say, its a life that ended before it began and its a part of you. Its hard to explain and its something I don't think I will ever get over... But although I wont get over it, I have learned and overcame it.. if that makes sense.

Because I was so early its really hard for your partner to really be involved. Its not visible and its not a physical part of them like it is for us women. He was of course crushed by the experience, but he mourned my pain more than his. It was hard for him to watch me so emotionally and physically tortured. A miscarriage is not a pain free thing in ANY way... You would think at least physically it wouldn't have to be so well excruciating... Anyway that's the least of the worst. Its just hard. Its hard to see pregnant women and friends going along with healthy pregnancy and although I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy, I do get jealous. i have to man up and admit that... Its hard not to think, whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with my reproductive system to cause this? Will I ever have a healthy child?

Okay enough... I have to stop myself from these thoughts, they really do drive me INSANE. I am a 22 year old girl, in school working on a college degree and building up a promising career in the skin care industry. I have to believe that God gave me this visitor to show me that I do one day want to set time aside to have children, but there is still too much to do in order to provide the life I have always wanted for my kids. I want to be able to afford activities at a young age for them, a stable home without a mountain of debt, undivided attention on them and not on myself. Which the case at my age, my attention is on myself unfortunately... Not on my wants necessarily but on my goals in order to make my dreams of my future children possible.

R.I.P My little Angel in heaven... Thank you for putting everything in prospective for me. You were so special that God needed you now for his kingdom and for his work and I will see you one day.